Just another lonely night without sleep

I’m laying in bed confused, lost, lonely and nervous. I hate nights like this were my mind doesn’t stop wondering. I’m 19 single and working 4 different jobs… I have no time for myself other than the dark nights that keep me up. I feel like I check my phone every five minutes as if I’m waiting for a phone call or a message from some one … I don’t even know who from…

I feel myself going out of my way constantly to help the underdog when really I’m under them now and being walked all over. I go out of my way to get things or plan something special or even give someone a ride and then I’m left alone waiting around…

Even now I’m talking to no one and just writing to myself to make me feel like someone’s listening… Well if you are listening I’m sorry haha this rant is quiet boring… I have nothing to be angry about but nothing really to be happy about. I have friends,don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a poor pitty me rant. I just want something big to happen.
A ran into a family friend and she asked how everyone was and about their boyfriends and then turned to me and said..”now we just need to find you a nice guy”
A nice guy… A nice guy?? Haha good luck. Me? I have no luck… Not GOOD luck at least… Bad I have plenty of but no good.
I started talking to a couple guys.. They thought I was pretty and smart but then talked about the girl at the party with the big boobs that was 5 ft tall and how hot she was… Nice… Smooth one guys.. You really know how to woo a woman don’tcha.. Stupid boys..
I need me a nice 20-24 year old family man who doesn’t waste time with drugs and booze. Who is working towards a good job and magically falls in love with me.. Cute tall dark and handsome..
Only in my dreams …
And speaking of dreams maybe I should try to go there now and sleep before I have to be up for work in 4 hours… Goodnight whoever reads this crap!

Just let me get this out…

I can’t believe how lonely I am. I have to trick myself just to fall asleep without crying … I need to snuggle with pillows to feel like someone cares about me. All I wanted was to make you happy. All I wanted in return was to feel you trying. I wanted to be surprised at times and feel like you went out of your way. I needed to know how you felt and u couldn’t tell me. I needed emotions to show me u wanted me. And all I’m left with is a broken heart. And no idea how you really feel. I need to vent so I stop tearing myself apart. If only I was skinnier or prettier or maybe of I was more of a partier maybe I’d be better… Maybe I’d be happy… Maybe you’d be here.. But no… Im laying in a guest bed unable to fall asleep with a wet pillow and head full of words I wish I said. At times I can’t breathe and others I try to rationalize it. But if it wasn’t meant to be then let it be. I can move on… I will be strong… Just let me get this out….